The Misgivings of Imposter Syndrome
Today, like many other days, I don’t feel useful or valuable to my clients, my employer, or even my wife. I feel like all that anyone knows about me is false and that I am an imposter.
In a previous post on Im[poster Syndrome I talk about how,
“Imposter feelings represent a conflict between your own self-perception and the way others perceive you. Even as others praise your talents, you write off your successes to timing and a bit of luck. You don’t believe you earned them on your own merits and you fear others will eventually realize the same thing. Over time, this can fuel a cycle of anxiety, depression, and guilt.”
And even though I know that these feelings of being an “Imposter” are really just my own insecurities and personal identity issues coming to the surface, at this moment they are very real.
The scary part for me is my ADHD urge to burn it all down, to quit my job, go shopping and inevitably get in an explosive fight with my wife. That would be the manic side of ADHD. And it is often the side that get’s me in trouble. My HFASD (High Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder) side then wants to find a hole, crawl in and never come out.
My intellectual self knows that I am valuable, intelligent, talented, needed, wanted and that I matter to those in my life and the spheres of influence I occupy. But the problem is knowing something is vastly different than believing them. I know those things to be true, because past evidence proves they are true, but my biggest struggle is I don’t believe they are true.
I write in my other post that,
Success doesn’t require perfection. True perfection is impossible, so failing to achieve it doesn’t make you a fraud, it makes you normal. Offering yourself kindness and compassion instead of judgment and self-doubt can help you maintain a realistic perspective and motivate you to pursue healthy self-growth.
and I’m honestly doing my best to believe that, but today, today it is hard to believe. Never in my life have I felt normal. Never in my life have I felt that I deserve compassion or grace or even kindness. So when I receive that from other people I weep with joy. But offering it to myself. That’s hard.
So to all those out there who struggle with self-worth and the feelings of being an imposter, you are not alone.
Cheers,
Justin Von Braun